Hm Hm Hm

Living back in the home where I was once grown up with. Many things change; like it or not, days never really come and go like it did before. Let alone the people in it.

I won't describe each day as boredom, since some days I 're-charged' my 'life expansion' by going out simply for lunch and head home, or simply for brunch, breakfast, supper then head home. It is when you realize 'charging' does not really mean the food that you are eating, but the person you are waiting on the other side of the table. I would say... I enjoy this kind of boredom; at least now; compared to the days I had alone there. Well, maybe it's just me, who's just too lazy to find something to do.

I found someone's local and like his album so much, you need to check him out if you read this post:

Tell Me, What Should I Do About You?

Lately I've been asking myself, about distance and sincerity, about doubts, about what I want, about what I deserve.

Lately the distance among me and other people has been coming back and forth, upside down, things change and keep on changing. I don't know whether I should stay here and make a wish, put tiny bits of hope or again shut any kind of doors that I think might be chances. I am too scared that I may be someone who is forcing something towards somebody else, someone who is too proud of herself that she thought she deserve a chance where there is no chance given at all, I am too afraid that I would become a bitch who blame others just because I thought they gave me a chance that I should fight for.

Or is it because I am too aggressive? Am I becoming a person who is over confident? Somebody who doesn't look at the mirror and look how much I actually deserve.
Or is it because I am too anxious, not able to handle or face someone I care or I love calmly? Can't I give them a chance to be better by themselves? to trust them that they could do something without my help, at least it will give them confidence, won't it?
but I just can't help it for being passive over people whom I love, whom I care for. :( I know I want them to fight with me all the time, I can't wait to be excited over the picture of myself and them together facing the future. You know..... maybe he was right, I can't trust those people and I need to give them a chance. :'(

Can anyone answer this for me... should I take this changes as something to fight for, a hope, or to shut this mind and treat this as a pity or a form of normal care ? Maybe I'm just an over confident lady in her 22. Loving and putting too much effort on something in my heart is so annoying, it is. truly is. you know, when even being nice will hurt people's feeling, it sucks, you don't know what to do.

Impromptu

Since I've willingly to dedicate half an hour out of 24 hours I have to type here rather than watch TV (lol. projects are all over the place but I still prefer watching Kdrama, kay?) , let me share with you some tiny changes that has been happening to my life for the past 2...3 weeks?

Let us call this post: Impromptu.
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.
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(Okay, typing the title now. "Patience is virtue! *wink*" - somebody yelled this to me yesterday so fresh in mind. haha. ;) )

There were some shitty changes happened in my life.
Like I posted before, somebody is dating somebody, somebody is moving on somebody, somebody is leaving somebody. Uh-huh. The big game finally happens to the clique I've been moving-on with this past years.

The Bellas. 

I hope we'll do fine after sometime. Maybe giving-ups are the most scary plans and actions that ever happen to a 'relationship' - if  I may say - they are even more horrible than broken hearts, disappointments and angers. Agree? When someone give up on the dearest person he/she knows, it is hard to re-build the effort tower to keep on trying to fix the holes in a relationship. Fine, I hate to call it a relationship, but calling it a friendship is even nastier. I mean it. Something is just not right to call it a friendship. We are neither friends nor families, lol. Siblings? hahaha. // People who are curious about it please contact the persons involved right away, I won't spill any in my blog. Since every events and shits just happen to change faster than I ever imagine.

However, and I believe a better pathway has always been there for each of us, any of us. Either it's a lane or a highway. ;) I met more relaxed bastards full of shits that happen to learn and begin to understand what life gives and takes from you. Realistic people (not every of us, but soon to be I hope) who want to strive and.... I think I finally get it right when I talk to them. You have boundaries with this kind of clique, you talk shits but you know there is the line. We gather mostly mornings, to catch up on what's happening maybe not every day but important things. Gearing up before we start the day. I do feel blessed to have been introduced to this clique, it makes me sane at least not full of bullshits like
'Don't you trust me? Why can't you understand me? WHY?'
'Oh, another day.... head to gym.'
'New movies, anyone?'
'Let's go to the net play some sets before we off to see friends.'
'Lazy lah. Let me stay home.'
Fine, that's okay but don't dare to tell me that money, career, yourself, dream, pursue, goals, visions, family, married, future are not more important than that bullshit. Get what I mean?
Nanti lah, bisa lah nanti deh aku pikirin.
Aiyah, tan au lah itu. tan baru sio.
Santai dulu, belum, aku belum mau mikirin itu.
Wait, it's not the time yet for me to think about serious stuffs. Later lah, one day I will sit down and think about it.

My dear, time does not wait.
My dear, how many people have sprint ahead of you, one step closer to 100million dollar when you say this inside your head? Yes, nothing significantly change after you set your mind. True, but does anything great happens in a blink of eye. No.... ofcourse not. The more you wait the longer it comes to you. And maybe it will never happen to you anyway.
Okay, maybe a girl can wait, but even a wise girl will take a move step ahead making her face and body look more appealing in order to have 'future investments' - husbands - , no matter how dumb we are. Don't you agree. As for boys, when will you become men? Come on. Slap your face now, you know that human needs to drink eat breathe, and one easiest way to keep on having them is to start earning something. You know girls are humans not barbies that just need clothes no? - well even barbie clothes need money lol - So what's with all the fuss you dont have money now no girls want me and stop your nags. haha. you know you need help right, go find who can help you, you need money, cant make it by yourself, at least put some effort and get your ass up from those lazy bed and get your brain to start thinking. where can you get it from.

Stop thinking that you dont have this you dont have that, you are not equipped with wealth you are not equipped with talents, therefore you will not be able to do this do that.
Hello, you are still breathing and reading this, go find somebody who can help you to make it happen.
Start questioning yourself why are you keep on thinking that way? Is it because no one in your circle are supporting you? no one can help you? Anybody is pulling you are holding you to be better? Can you live without him and be a better person? Is there a chance for you to step out from that circle and meet others?

I believe and I have experienced it myself more than once that you want to know who you are? go and see who you stand with. They represent you. So, why don't you step ahead, become a person who strive more? Have 10k, let's try to make it 100. Can, how? I miss this kind of excitement. I really really do. I miss those people that support me this way, rather than weighting me with down sides of failure and not wanting to strive together with me. I have swallowed enough shits that hold me to get more when I know I can. I want to help those who have talents, not helping though, I think I need them too. I want him, her, them, to be together with me, pursuing something useful. Not letting their dreams buried somewhere in the cemetery.
Taking a big decision to try to communicate with new friends will be my new challenge now. And I know I must tackle this.

To somebody who might or might not read this post, I really hope you would help and support me. I have a very strong guts upon this. Let's put aside something we always had between us called 'embarrass' and 'awkward' and 'pride' and 'shy' and 'insecure' and 'un-confidence' that build this uncomfortable / tense situation between us sometime.

Just hope everything will go smoothly, hopefully after my graduation from fashion. :) Please give me strength, never ending supports and courage. I will not disappoint you as long as I can. FINGER CROSSED. hehe.

Oh well I haven't tell you guys that we call ourself

THE UGH LALAs

- breakfast club. 

The greediest people on the cliques who gather for information while choking ourselves with decent food and atmosphere.
Waking up will never be the same, Monday will not be Mondays. ;)

Selfish people who left me alone here in Singapore's Saturday morning while knowing they are bitching around in the morning over fats and other ugh lalas food. huh. Look at that bitchy and proud Egg Benedict someone took and mentioned me inside.

Response For My Friend

Seperti kaum adam dan hawa lainnya, temanmu itu juga manusia. Tidak ada salahnya jika dengan berjalannya waktu, kita kehilangan kata-kata untuk berbagi. Wajar saja, perbedaan kesibukan dapat menyebabkan terjadinya hal demikian. Tapi apalah arti kehilangan kata-kata saat bertemu dalam hal pertemanan? Apakah 'teman' hanya berarti the never ending talks - tidak habis-habisnya bercerita? Well, I don't think so.

Pikirkanlah ini, 'jauh di mata, dekat di hati'.
Mungkin terkesan alay, namun that's what a friend indeed. Aku harus akui, aku tidak memiliki beratus-ratus teman dekat, aku tidak selalu berpapasan dengan seseorang yang kukenal setiap 5 menit aku berjalan di mall atau plaza. Tapi aku memiliki teman, team, a ready fighting force that I can count on everytime I meet a fight. Isn't that how siblings work? Without whys, without whines, without mumbles but trust. I put a huge trust and loyalty usually, and I do hope and believe that everyhting I want should be done by me toward others first.

Do you believe me when I say this? :) Percaya atau tidak, menurutku.... kerenggangan pertemanan berasal dari diri kita sendiri, memberi dengan ikhlas bukan berarti meminta timbal balik bukan? Yup, that's what friendship gives us, most of the time. Well, not once or twice but many times people would take you for granted, but anyway, isn't it your choice to make him/her your friends?

Mau mengerti kesibukan teman, memulai setiap pertanyaan sepele seperti 'How are you?' 'Is there any one new that you met?' or maybe, just go on to the point kalau memang kebisuan itu terjadi 'Sepertinya kita jadi awkward ya, ngga ada yang bisa dibicarain.' Hehe. It really helps :) The key is to lower your ego and pride, to start asking. I learn this from someone, someone I've hurt and been hurt from. He was one of those amazing people in my life. Tidak selamanya mulut bisa menyampaikan apa yang ada di dalam hati seseorang, tidak jarang mungkin teman baikmu terlintas di dalam pikiranmu saat kamu sibuk bekerja, tapi mungkin kamu maupun dia tidak punya kesempatan untuk bersapa dan menanyakan kabar. Pernahkah kamu berpikir kalau maybe, terjadinya salah paham karena di satu sisi terlalu sibuk dan sisi lainnya sedang senggang? hehehehe.

Come on, kita bukan anak ABG lagi, pertemanan tidak ada yang semanis itu, pertemanan juga tidak ada yang seindah itu. Bukan berarti seseorang yang tidak memiliki kesempatan bertemu dengan teman baiknya sudah melupakan temannya itu. Lebih baik tidak bertemu, memiliki segudang kesibukan berbeda tapi dekat di hati. Daripada selalu ada di sampingmu, tapi 'memakan'mu pada akhirnya?

I've got 'siblings' around me, some in Javas, some in my hometown, some in Western countries. All of them are close to my heart eventhough I haven't talk to them maybe in the past years. Aku tidak mengatakan well kita tidak perlu bicara atau bersapa, kebanyakan yang terjadi adalah perasaan malas yang muncul karena terlalu lama tidak bertemu. Okay, this is where we show our efforts, no? To start to push those boundaries that have been built because of time and distance.

Believe me, to have ones who think and care of you from far is thousand times better than the ones who keep the distance but kill you in the end. ;)


P.s. To my buddy Duffin: Play more with your life, and you'll see life differently. Currently you've been in that repetitive motion that makes you as 'square' as you are now. Okay? ;)

In Order to Settle

Hi, my personal listener.

I've walked halfway of my journey to the end of school chapter in my life. Not to exaggerate, but now I do realize that life feels hell lot more scary and fierce compared to days before.

2014 has been different I think in a sense it somehow forces me to grow up a little faster. Not just once when I feel that the best way to face it is to run and hide. But most of the time too, I feel I need to take this path seriously. Be responsible for what I've done to myself. It is a lil bit tough to be pressed by chunks of 'growing-up data or information' in a short period of time. Why? Because you start to look around you and feel like all your friends don't get what you mean as they act like they are living this world like a playground all the time.

2014 is a lil bit charming, people change every year, I suppose, or maybe it is me who look at everything differently now? I guess both of those choices go together.
Sigh.
I wish I have a person to hug now. You know, when all you have is your mom, you just can't hug your mom and whine a lil bit for a comfort. Although she'll always stand there saying "It's okay." or "It's fine.", sometimes you are just too shy and feel so shameful being useless daughter like that. Maybe what I''ll search for the rest of my life is that one comfy person. Where are you? hahaha. Sounds pathetic.

2014 keeps tiny surprises neatly that I won't ever dare to guess. Someone is dating somebody, someone is leaving for somebody, and someone is becoming closer to somebody. What I can do is watch and hope that I will (this year) involved with any of them. *hohohoho* I guess living alone is not fun anyway.

I have many many thoughts in my mind now, many many things I want to do after this April. Many many decisions to make, many tears to hold, and many scars to hang in with. Many scary dreams to work on with. I guess I will really need somebody to hang on with, although I thought I'm quite handy acting as a single fighter, two is sometimes better than one. no?

Oh, I'm looking for a team. Do you know anybody that is trustworthy? Persons that are willing to take responsible and treat something mine as theirs, I mean.... to love and to take care something that's not theirs as if it's theirs too. I realize that no one truly behave that way. 2014 is quite bitchy to me about this, it slaps me hard this year to become a person who could differentiate who will stay on your side no matter how bad the situation is. Even though I have to admit I've already had a clique of the strongest fighters around me (I guess they are almost all the A squad team) , not all of them are actually take a real concern about their friends upon them. I need to find people who dare to fight with me most of the time, to put my problems as theirs on top of their own stress-list. It will be great to know people who would dare to fight FOR me, but isn't it boring to have everything done for you?



hmph. i want to find my comfort zone along the way. and settle.

Oh WOW

Oh wow. I am SORRY, folks for letting y'all read those complaints all the time. yup, I had my toughest time. Best teacher is your own experiences anyway, don't you agree? For those who are wondering about my life after the nags... haha, come on, people will get through things. Every things will come to an end no matter how bad it will be, no? 

How about mine last sem? Praise Dad who has been giving me undying courage and miracles. Lol. Passed them with applause and litersssss of tears, ofcourse. Lesson not learnt anyway. haahahhaha. #IamlazyIdontknowhowtofixmyself

Okay, enough of the boring stuffs. How's it going on your side, mates? 

I have been scrolling blogs' updates after months untouched, I can see somebody struggled much on Christmas. For you who read this, as a friend I think I am still not allowed to judge you or even worse to feel sorry on you, what I could say to you is to try once again. Open your mind and heart, sometime you just need to let go take a super deep breath and stay, and then take it out of your body. When all you do is locking up yourself in a room, nobody would dare to approach you, no matter how hard they wanted to help you. Just as a relationship that needs both sides to make efforts, so do you. People would knock the door of your heart, will leave some love letters upon your door, but how would you read them if you are too thick-headed that you prefer to swallow your own pride and be alone rather than open the door and take a step. Don't be afraid, at least you got some people who are watching you all the time. :) To care doesn't mean to be a nagger all the time, no? I know you understand what I mean. Hope you read this and found something new in your mind. Don't stay in the dark too long, those darkness eats you from the inside. STOP PITYING YOURSELF, I BEG YOU.

Hm, let's see.... 2014. This time is so fast don't you think? I'll be free from study in 13 weeks. I don't think it's as fast as a blink of eye though, but when you look back (even just to the past 6 months) maybe yourself have changed unconditionally. What's new about 2014? Oh! My brother's getting married FINALLY in the end of this Year of Horse (Lunar Year), Chinese New Year is even faster this year, I'm gaining weight by 10 kg. HOLA!

Can't wait to graduate and learn things differently.

What else is the change made now for 2014...

Maybe not to be so attached to someone who favor you as nothing, don't put too much effort on people who deserve it but doesn't know how to appreciate you. I want to be happier this year :) Maybe Valentine 2014 will still be the same for me, stuck alone in the world. It's okay, save the best for the last, right? hhh. I even thought of hiring somebody for Valentine's date. LOLOL. 

I'll be lying if I say I have went 2013 smoothly, no no. There were lots of troubles and problems along the way, fights, tears, jealousy and stuff like that. hhh. However most of things are still the same. 

How about the one inside the heart? What do you think? ;)

Happy New Year, peeps

- 3 weeks late -

Help.

Dad, I am lost.

I am terribly lost. I want to run, but I don't know where to go.

Lord, help me.

I am falling faster than ever.