In Order to Settle

Hi, my personal listener.

I've walked halfway of my journey to the end of school chapter in my life. Not to exaggerate, but now I do realize that life feels hell lot more scary and fierce compared to days before.

2014 has been different I think in a sense it somehow forces me to grow up a little faster. Not just once when I feel that the best way to face it is to run and hide. But most of the time too, I feel I need to take this path seriously. Be responsible for what I've done to myself. It is a lil bit tough to be pressed by chunks of 'growing-up data or information' in a short period of time. Why? Because you start to look around you and feel like all your friends don't get what you mean as they act like they are living this world like a playground all the time.

2014 is a lil bit charming, people change every year, I suppose, or maybe it is me who look at everything differently now? I guess both of those choices go together.
Sigh.
I wish I have a person to hug now. You know, when all you have is your mom, you just can't hug your mom and whine a lil bit for a comfort. Although she'll always stand there saying "It's okay." or "It's fine.", sometimes you are just too shy and feel so shameful being useless daughter like that. Maybe what I''ll search for the rest of my life is that one comfy person. Where are you? hahaha. Sounds pathetic.

2014 keeps tiny surprises neatly that I won't ever dare to guess. Someone is dating somebody, someone is leaving for somebody, and someone is becoming closer to somebody. What I can do is watch and hope that I will (this year) involved with any of them. *hohohoho* I guess living alone is not fun anyway.

I have many many thoughts in my mind now, many many things I want to do after this April. Many many decisions to make, many tears to hold, and many scars to hang in with. Many scary dreams to work on with. I guess I will really need somebody to hang on with, although I thought I'm quite handy acting as a single fighter, two is sometimes better than one. no?

Oh, I'm looking for a team. Do you know anybody that is trustworthy? Persons that are willing to take responsible and treat something mine as theirs, I mean.... to love and to take care something that's not theirs as if it's theirs too. I realize that no one truly behave that way. 2014 is quite bitchy to me about this, it slaps me hard this year to become a person who could differentiate who will stay on your side no matter how bad the situation is. Even though I have to admit I've already had a clique of the strongest fighters around me (I guess they are almost all the A squad team) , not all of them are actually take a real concern about their friends upon them. I need to find people who dare to fight with me most of the time, to put my problems as theirs on top of their own stress-list. It will be great to know people who would dare to fight FOR me, but isn't it boring to have everything done for you?



hmph. i want to find my comfort zone along the way. and settle.

Oh WOW

Oh wow. I am SORRY, folks for letting y'all read those complaints all the time. yup, I had my toughest time. Best teacher is your own experiences anyway, don't you agree? For those who are wondering about my life after the nags... haha, come on, people will get through things. Every things will come to an end no matter how bad it will be, no? 

How about mine last sem? Praise Dad who has been giving me undying courage and miracles. Lol. Passed them with applause and litersssss of tears, ofcourse. Lesson not learnt anyway. haahahhaha. #IamlazyIdontknowhowtofixmyself

Okay, enough of the boring stuffs. How's it going on your side, mates? 

I have been scrolling blogs' updates after months untouched, I can see somebody struggled much on Christmas. For you who read this, as a friend I think I am still not allowed to judge you or even worse to feel sorry on you, what I could say to you is to try once again. Open your mind and heart, sometime you just need to let go take a super deep breath and stay, and then take it out of your body. When all you do is locking up yourself in a room, nobody would dare to approach you, no matter how hard they wanted to help you. Just as a relationship that needs both sides to make efforts, so do you. People would knock the door of your heart, will leave some love letters upon your door, but how would you read them if you are too thick-headed that you prefer to swallow your own pride and be alone rather than open the door and take a step. Don't be afraid, at least you got some people who are watching you all the time. :) To care doesn't mean to be a nagger all the time, no? I know you understand what I mean. Hope you read this and found something new in your mind. Don't stay in the dark too long, those darkness eats you from the inside. STOP PITYING YOURSELF, I BEG YOU.

Hm, let's see.... 2014. This time is so fast don't you think? I'll be free from study in 13 weeks. I don't think it's as fast as a blink of eye though, but when you look back (even just to the past 6 months) maybe yourself have changed unconditionally. What's new about 2014? Oh! My brother's getting married FINALLY in the end of this Year of Horse (Lunar Year), Chinese New Year is even faster this year, I'm gaining weight by 10 kg. HOLA!

Can't wait to graduate and learn things differently.

What else is the change made now for 2014...

Maybe not to be so attached to someone who favor you as nothing, don't put too much effort on people who deserve it but doesn't know how to appreciate you. I want to be happier this year :) Maybe Valentine 2014 will still be the same for me, stuck alone in the world. It's okay, save the best for the last, right? hhh. I even thought of hiring somebody for Valentine's date. LOLOL. 

I'll be lying if I say I have went 2013 smoothly, no no. There were lots of troubles and problems along the way, fights, tears, jealousy and stuff like that. hhh. However most of things are still the same. 

How about the one inside the heart? What do you think? ;)

Happy New Year, peeps

- 3 weeks late -

Help.

Dad, I am lost.

I am terribly lost. I want to run, but I don't know where to go.

Lord, help me.

I am falling faster than ever.

When will Carissa Clarence learn to be responsible ?

Hi there, everyone

Saw your responses on my past post. Thankyou for encouraging me, people. I do appreciate your advices and notes. :) *trying to put a smile on my face* I am sitting on the floor of my bedroom while typing this. Fed up by every single things happening in my college life. I think it's just because I'm too desperate that I don't even try harder to settle everything in a full speed.

Now, I don't want to be a cry baby, but when people are just underestimating you all the time... I just can't take it. I am filling my withdrawal form this afternoon, sitting next to my dining table at home while my mind was on my mom all the time. Oh, yes and the reminder 3 more weeks playing on my head.

However............ this is not going to roll only for another 3 weeks. It is..... another 4 months.

I was right, I can't take this.

Having a livin' la vida loca supervisor for my thesis also making all the things worse! How am I suppose to split my head into 2 things? It is a consultation, it is for me to ask questions, it is not like I don't care about this thing, my 10,000sgd is being invested here. HELLO??? At least give my some informative feedback, can't you?

I know, I know. Maybe I am the one to be blamed in the first place. It is my choice, it is my decision, it is me who put me in this position in the first place.

Fine.

I have time to post this anyway, am I dying?

Ulos Ulos and Ulos

I can't believe i am actually blogging right now. I realize these days that I might need to throw away things that I've been thinking of rather than talking to myself all the time. I sounds weird, dont i? I know. Skipped class this morning, am sitting here working my mind on my BELOVED weaving idea.

What's the interesting thing about Medanese? Anyone?
I am thinking of Ulos. The idea of weaving. Something like... weaving the community. It has a deep and strong purposes,isnt it? But what's the tangible product that I can offer? To earn profit, but in the same time... weaving the community.

Where is Carissa Clarence ?

I am so anxious lately. Can't sleep well, my head is messed by too many things unsettled. I don't know what to do, how to ease my mind, to keep calm and just do it. Things have been so common for me that I don't have any passion to fight for it anymore. Seems like I'm all fine if you want to call me a whiner, a loser, mommy's baby. I don't care.


I just.... gave up.



Part of me seems drifting. Away from me. or is it the real me? The one that's actually changing. Worse than who I was.

The truth is I really can't take it anymore. It seems like my head just stop thinking and I do things heartlessly. Is there even a word for that ? I do things without counting the risks and the negative impacts that it could bring for me or my family, my mom especially. I really want to stop. Stop.

Living in restless and sleepless nights are scary. Living in emptiness is even worse. I have them all complete.

Adults told me to stop being a baby, stop thinking this way, it's time for me to look at things differently and stop staying in my comfort zone. yada yada yada. Believe me, I tried, tried and tried, and I came to a conclusion where I found myself unsuitable for this condition. Do you think I love to blame others? No. I hate it. It makes me feel useless, what's the point of whining and blaming others for things that you have chosen, no?

I feel like I'm good at nothing. Yet I am not ready for anything. I always do things halfway, it's a habit and I try to fix it. But, does life really has to go this way? I live once and do I want to live it this way?

I am sick of judgements. I don't blame people who judges, it is your rights to judge others. You will still be judged even though you did good deeds anyway.


Oh, lastly. I miss you. I don't know since when you bring comfort in me.
You who I don't think read this blog occasionally.

Delapan Puluh Empat Tidak Pula Cukup

Disudutkan dalam suatu keadaan dimana permintaan, renungan dan kerinduan sepertinya bertemu. Melepas keinginan yang lama diselimuti kemalasan, perempuan bodoh penunda-nunda pekerjaan ini akhirnya menyempatkan diri untuk merenungkan

'apa memang perlu menghabiskan beberapa jam terakhir disini untuk kembali menulis?'

'terlalu banyak berkelibat, terlalu banyak yang flat, bahkan tidak sedikit yang terlalu rumit untuk diceritakan. aku bahkan lupa bagamana cara yang benar untuk bercerita lewat rangkaian kata. Lantas, dari mana aku harus memulai dongeng membosankan itu?'

'lagipula sudah banyak yang numpang lewat, ibaratnya.  just for the sake of reading, they don't understand a word from what I was trying to say. Apa benar aku harus kembali menulis?'

'....aku rindu bahasa Indonesia sih.'  (LOL a very silly statement, but really, to be honest, I love every Indonesian words. They create lots of other meanings mysteriously)

Mungkin aku memang harus mengemas sesuatu yang bersifat serial dan anonim.

Just to trigger back our curiosity. We have been boring human for awhile, haven't we?