never vanish, always there

There was once a man told me when I was a child, "You are nothing. Do you think you are so great, so nice and lovable that everybody always take care on you? Stop dreaming. You are you right now because of your mom. Everybody respects your mom, that's why you are being taken care and loved like this."

That sentences stuck on my mind until now, I remember I heard it from him when he was driving me home from a tuition class. Maybe he never realized how that kind of sentences will hurt an under 10 years old child's heart. Indeed, that moment and that words has been a statement for me until now, that I am loved not  because I'm doing great, no matter how much effort I've put into every decisions I've made, I'll always be my mom's daughter. It's not that I hate my mom because of this, I love her and proud of every single things she did, she's strong and weak in the same time. She's too strong to be able to cover the truth that she has that pain all over herself.

The truth is, I don't have a single person to complaint to. Maybe what I heard from someone this afternoon was right, I'm nothing but a pure protester. I complaint too much on life without anyone know about it. I look simply fine, but you'll never know what's inside me. 

I've got my own answer for that, it's because I simply haven't met anyone who care about me, not a single person really ask me what's wrong with me, even though they know I've got a problem. Not a single person I know really treat me like I'm an important person in their life, it seems like everybody takes me for granted..... this really makes me feel desperate. to be honest.

I never say money is not important, I never say that you're fooling me around playing joke about me, but what I actually simply asking from you is your time, your care, I know you realize that I may be pretending to be a strong person, but can't you even stop by and just asking a bullshit like a simple "does it hurt?". At least you'll know how much I've endured this kind of pain.

Lately I feel empty, my body's with them, having fun, going out around town, joking around, but I realize my heart's not there. I missed something I don't know.

One of my friends always say this to me, " Ah, you are so lucky. You're so rich, aren't you? What for you to be sad about? See, you get everything you want. " 

I simply smile. I laugh for that kind of statement about me. You know lots of things about me, but the funny thing is, you don't even understand me, do you?

I lose too much these days, I lose persons who used to know me, asking silly things like "what're ya doing?" "ate yet?" I lose too much.

I don't know why, sometimes I feel like as time goes by, I slowly turn into a villain. Bad things always occur in my mind.

I don't know what to say, maybe I'm not supposed to ask anymore. I just want that time back, maybe that's too much, to have a person next to me.

I used to have one, that person used to be himself wherever he goes, but lately I don't think he has been himself, maybe that's what they call growing mature? or is it because time and distance has made me care him less and can't even understand or notice him anymore?

haha.
whatever.
I have no body.