NVR

I know. I know it very well that I'll never blend among them completely. I don't know when did I find out that I'm actually just another stranger trying to fit into them, yet I fail. Yes, it's heart-breaking to admit, but I'll never be one of them although it seems to be the other way around.

Maybe I'm just too tired. Tired of being treated differently. Tired of giving too much care that others treat you differently. Being treated nicer doesn't mean it will always make you happy. One day you'll just realize you are too far that you barely reach them in some points. Are they really those people? Those people that I mean to stick to until the end?

I just don't feel like that anymore. 

This is not envy, i promise. It's not because I saw photos, news, tweets or stuffs like that. It's just sometime when you realize they are much more happier without you. Get what I mean? This is one of my reasons why I keep pushing myself not to go back hometown for work this year-end. I keep telling myself 'you are not good enough to show yourself there, it's just not the right time.'

I know I have had this particular 'sickness' in me since long ago. Uncured illness, when my body and mind just LOVE to pull herself away from people that she actually care about. Yes, that stupid illness. 

Maybe one day you will understand what I feel.

Maybe not now.

Maybe tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, next month, next year, or never.

Now?

It's just a big hole inside me. However, it is not painful. The thing is, because I don't feel anything anymore beside being tired and plain, I get to worried about myself. At least I feel something before, either it's painful, hurt or whatsoever. It's scarier because now I feel like I have nothing to lose.
That hole is just so round and deep like i have no one, no one to lose among my friends.

no one really try to hang on there and make me fight for him/her.

too flat that i think everyone is just as fake as others.

I'm sorry if anyone's offended by this post, I don't mean that way. It's femmepurplelicious' anyway.