Now that my mind is actually fucked. hard. I spend my time typing here rather than doing my work. I really hope it can finishes on time. I feel like crying without tears right now. I don't know how this will end anyway. Only by saying 'Que Sera Sera' can't even describe how anxious I am right now.
I don't know, I am terribly sad.
Today is a Good Friday, I am supposed to be happy, having my sisters and mom come and visit me. i should feel more than grateful, shouldn't I? Maybe I'm just a terrible person, a very pity one. I feel so sad right now. Nothing really works as what has been planned. A very tough challenge from You. I really wanna give up this time, Dad. Badly. I know I'm not supposed to disappoint anyone, yet I disappoint everyone I think. :(
I don't know. Maybe I whine too much recently, that I think even sharing to people about my burden has also been classified as whines. So I stop sharing, I stop telling others about it. Seems like nobody could be trusted anymore. I don't know, this kind of things inside are just barely there out from my lips to be told to mom, siblings, or close relatives. I once think maybe I could share it with my friends, but in fact, not all of them are willing to listen to it. Maybe it's another type of burden for them therefore I stop. I stop telling you how my days have passed. I got out from the circle.
Maybe it's because I'm too lazy to pray, not hard enough, it doesn't reach our home, Dad. Is it so?
It is not because of school, works, and things. You and I know no matter how important those things are, sometimes it's just not that physical things which make you feel burdened. Sometimes I feel like I'm Alice in Wonderland, chasing the rabbit called 'Happy'. I keep on chasing, and the story has not came to the end.
This is hard. more than the usual one. I start losing my appetite, sometimes I stop eating, even drinking. For 20 years I've never understand how people can do a 30 days fasting, now I know it is possible. I stop doing things in sudden, having a very unproductive breaks. I lost weight again, when I'm not supposed to lose them. I worry about myself, I think I'm having some mental problem really. And health issue ofcourse.
Family came this afternoon, saw me. and i looked scary to them. 'The Warm Bodies' they said. Yeah, maybe, red eyes, swollen, bones everywhere, messy hair. My typical day this year. Sometimes I am disgusted by myself too, just to be honest.
when you read this last line of this post, either you find this as a serious problem or just another joke from me. it's up to you. but this time, I really think sleeping pills sounds perfect for me.
I don't know, I am terribly sad.
Today is a Good Friday, I am supposed to be happy, having my sisters and mom come and visit me. i should feel more than grateful, shouldn't I? Maybe I'm just a terrible person, a very pity one. I feel so sad right now. Nothing really works as what has been planned. A very tough challenge from You. I really wanna give up this time, Dad. Badly. I know I'm not supposed to disappoint anyone, yet I disappoint everyone I think. :(
I don't know. Maybe I whine too much recently, that I think even sharing to people about my burden has also been classified as whines. So I stop sharing, I stop telling others about it. Seems like nobody could be trusted anymore. I don't know, this kind of things inside are just barely there out from my lips to be told to mom, siblings, or close relatives. I once think maybe I could share it with my friends, but in fact, not all of them are willing to listen to it. Maybe it's another type of burden for them therefore I stop. I stop telling you how my days have passed. I got out from the circle.
Maybe it's because I'm too lazy to pray, not hard enough, it doesn't reach our home, Dad. Is it so?
It is not because of school, works, and things. You and I know no matter how important those things are, sometimes it's just not that physical things which make you feel burdened. Sometimes I feel like I'm Alice in Wonderland, chasing the rabbit called 'Happy'. I keep on chasing, and the story has not came to the end.
This is hard. more than the usual one. I start losing my appetite, sometimes I stop eating, even drinking. For 20 years I've never understand how people can do a 30 days fasting, now I know it is possible. I stop doing things in sudden, having a very unproductive breaks. I lost weight again, when I'm not supposed to lose them. I worry about myself, I think I'm having some mental problem really. And health issue ofcourse.
Family came this afternoon, saw me. and i looked scary to them. 'The Warm Bodies' they said. Yeah, maybe, red eyes, swollen, bones everywhere, messy hair. My typical day this year. Sometimes I am disgusted by myself too, just to be honest.
when you read this last line of this post, either you find this as a serious problem or just another joke from me. it's up to you. but this time, I really think sleeping pills sounds perfect for me.
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