Good Friday

Now that my mind is actually fucked. hard. I spend my time typing here rather than doing my work. I really hope it can finishes on time. I feel like crying without tears right now. I don't know how this will end anyway. Only by saying 'Que Sera Sera' can't even describe how anxious I am right now.

I don't know, I am terribly sad.

Today is a Good Friday, I am supposed to be happy, having my sisters and mom come and visit me. i should feel more than grateful, shouldn't I? Maybe I'm just a terrible person, a very pity one. I feel so sad right now. Nothing really works as what has been planned. A very tough challenge from You. I really wanna give up this time, Dad. Badly. I know I'm not supposed to disappoint anyone, yet I disappoint everyone I think. :(

I don't know. Maybe I whine too much recently, that I think even sharing to people about my burden has also been classified as whines. So I stop sharing, I stop telling others about it. Seems like nobody could be trusted anymore. I don't know, this kind of things inside are just barely there out from my lips to be told to mom, siblings, or close relatives. I once think maybe I could share it with my friends, but in fact, not all of them are willing to listen to it. Maybe it's another type of burden for them therefore I stop. I stop telling you how my days have passed. I got out from the circle.

Maybe it's because I'm too lazy to pray, not hard enough, it doesn't reach our home, Dad. Is it so?

It is not because of school, works, and things. You and I know no matter how important those things are, sometimes it's just not that physical things which make you feel burdened. Sometimes I feel like I'm Alice in Wonderland, chasing the rabbit called 'Happy'. I keep on chasing, and the story has not came to the end.

This is hard. more than the usual one. I start losing my appetite, sometimes I stop eating, even drinking. For 20 years I've never understand how people can do a 30 days fasting, now I know it is possible. I stop doing things in sudden, having a very unproductive breaks. I lost weight again, when I'm not supposed to lose them. I worry about myself, I think I'm having some mental problem really. And health issue ofcourse.

Family came this afternoon, saw me. and i looked scary to them. 'The Warm Bodies' they said. Yeah, maybe, red eyes, swollen, bones everywhere, messy hair. My typical day this year. Sometimes I am disgusted by myself too, just to be honest.



when you read this last line of this post, either you find this as a serious problem or just another joke from me. it's up to you. but this time, I really think sleeping pills sounds perfect for me.

A bit of this and that

Have you ever met this one person when....

dia ngga ngapa-ngapain sih, did nothing to you, like totally nothing, tapi tetep bikin kamu senyum?
dia ngga flirt, ngga juga ketemu kamu tiap hari, bahkan ga tiap minggu ataupun tiap bulan, dia tetap bikin kamu senyum?
dia ngga pernah ngasih kamu apa pun, totally none, tapi tetep bikin kamu satisfied, again. senyum?
dia mungkin ngga pernah menganggap kamu apa pun, maybe.... just another person in his/her life, still, kamu simply goes along with it? Smile.

Strangely, I met one.

Dia bukan seseorang yang selalu ada dimanapun atau kapanpun atau bagaimanapun di saat gue jenuh or whatsoever, dia bukan juga orang yang gue cari kalo gue perlu tempat buat curhat di siang bolong atau semalam suntuk, dia juga bukan orang yang sering ngobrol sama gue di waktu senggang, we practically never really talk if we were only both of us, 88% of the time we talk with people around, or I'll start to nag. Dia bukan seseorang yang selalu ada di dalam benak lu 24 hours (ofcourse, I spent 8 hours of them sleeping, another 6 for homeworks, 4 for maybe what to cook and eat. How can it be 24 hours? I know -,-) tapi interestingly lu bakal tetap tertarik sama orang itu juga just the moment you saw that person. just as simple as that. I don't know.

Simply, you get rid of that person, and it goes around comes around again and again.

Kadang gue mikir, aneh, it's weird, isn't it? No matter how I think of it, it's just strange enough to be called insane. Even my friends who I asked, said it's ridiculous. Or something must have hit me or God knows what.


Have you ever been through the time when....

kamu ga selalu ketemu orang tersebut, jarang denger kabar tentang orang itu, bahkan you don't really have a clue on how that person's living his/her own life, because orang itu juga ga bener-bener practically close to you anymore. Tapi... (maaf kalau cheesy), tetep aja rasanya kalo ketemu orang tersebut, you felt you are dragged into him/her. Anytime. Yup, setelah setahun 2 tahun pun mungkin, even when you both have no topic to begin with because you have no longer talk to each other for whatever reason.

The very best part is when you'll simply be happy seeing that person laugh or smile. It just...partly (not wholly,  I'm being honest right here) makes you happy in that moment. Sesimple itu.

Have you ever felt that? If you had, share it with me, will you?

__

Uhm, lately, I don't know since when to be sure... I have been having this uncomfortable feeling everywhere. to this particular person. I hope it's not jealousy. I hope. really, finger crossed I'm not. I have chatted about this to one of my friends, and frankly she understood me, well, maybe I'm not supposed to talk about it here anyway. and i have been trying to listen to the second opinion about this from another person, but he never had time for me. So, I just simply let it be like it. Mungkin bukan waktu dan orang yang tepat? Hmm, well. He's been busy anyway.

You know, it's just sometimes you may feel really uncomfortable like.... ewwwwww, you want to get rid of that feeling and just go blind for seconds, go clueless and act moron to particular individuals.


And oh, lastly, just a lil update about my life right now.
Yes, I'm still stucked in the same college, not going well, thinking of moving out after April, and I'm still freaking single can't find somebody cute anymore out there! and oh yes still nailed my eye to the same bloody dumb person. Yes, I'm stupid.