Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Help.

Dad, I am lost.

I am terribly lost. I want to run, but I don't know where to go.

Lord, help me.

I am falling faster than ever.

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

When will Carissa Clarence learn to be responsible ?

Hi there, everyone

Saw your responses on my past post. Thankyou for encouraging me, people. I do appreciate your advices and notes. :) *trying to put a smile on my face* I am sitting on the floor of my bedroom while typing this. Fed up by every single things happening in my college life. I think it's just because I'm too desperate that I don't even try harder to settle everything in a full speed.

Now, I don't want to be a cry baby, but when people are just underestimating you all the time... I just can't take it. I am filling my withdrawal form this afternoon, sitting next to my dining table at home while my mind was on my mom all the time. Oh, yes and the reminder 3 more weeks playing on my head.

However............ this is not going to roll only for another 3 weeks. It is..... another 4 months.

I was right, I can't take this.

Having a livin' la vida loca supervisor for my thesis also making all the things worse! How am I suppose to split my head into 2 things? It is a consultation, it is for me to ask questions, it is not like I don't care about this thing, my 10,000sgd is being invested here. HELLO??? At least give my some informative feedback, can't you?

I know, I know. Maybe I am the one to be blamed in the first place. It is my choice, it is my decision, it is me who put me in this position in the first place.

Fine.

I have time to post this anyway, am I dying?

Ulos Ulos and Ulos

I can't believe i am actually blogging right now. I realize these days that I might need to throw away things that I've been thinking of rather than talking to myself all the time. I sounds weird, dont i? I know. Skipped class this morning, am sitting here working my mind on my BELOVED weaving idea.

What's the interesting thing about Medanese? Anyone?
I am thinking of Ulos. The idea of weaving. Something like... weaving the community. It has a deep and strong purposes,isnt it? But what's the tangible product that I can offer? To earn profit, but in the same time... weaving the community.

Friday, October 18, 2013

Where is Carissa Clarence ?

I am so anxious lately. Can't sleep well, my head is messed by too many things unsettled. I don't know what to do, how to ease my mind, to keep calm and just do it. Things have been so common for me that I don't have any passion to fight for it anymore. Seems like I'm all fine if you want to call me a whiner, a loser, mommy's baby. I don't care.


I just.... gave up.



Part of me seems drifting. Away from me. or is it the real me? The one that's actually changing. Worse than who I was.

The truth is I really can't take it anymore. It seems like my head just stop thinking and I do things heartlessly. Is there even a word for that ? I do things without counting the risks and the negative impacts that it could bring for me or my family, my mom especially. I really want to stop. Stop.

Living in restless and sleepless nights are scary. Living in emptiness is even worse. I have them all complete.

Adults told me to stop being a baby, stop thinking this way, it's time for me to look at things differently and stop staying in my comfort zone. yada yada yada. Believe me, I tried, tried and tried, and I came to a conclusion where I found myself unsuitable for this condition. Do you think I love to blame others? No. I hate it. It makes me feel useless, what's the point of whining and blaming others for things that you have chosen, no?

I feel like I'm good at nothing. Yet I am not ready for anything. I always do things halfway, it's a habit and I try to fix it. But, does life really has to go this way? I live once and do I want to live it this way?

I am sick of judgements. I don't blame people who judges, it is your rights to judge others. You will still be judged even though you did good deeds anyway.


Oh, lastly. I miss you. I don't know since when you bring comfort in me.
You who I don't think read this blog occasionally.