Where is Carissa Clarence ?

I am so anxious lately. Can't sleep well, my head is messed by too many things unsettled. I don't know what to do, how to ease my mind, to keep calm and just do it. Things have been so common for me that I don't have any passion to fight for it anymore. Seems like I'm all fine if you want to call me a whiner, a loser, mommy's baby. I don't care.


I just.... gave up.



Part of me seems drifting. Away from me. or is it the real me? The one that's actually changing. Worse than who I was.

The truth is I really can't take it anymore. It seems like my head just stop thinking and I do things heartlessly. Is there even a word for that ? I do things without counting the risks and the negative impacts that it could bring for me or my family, my mom especially. I really want to stop. Stop.

Living in restless and sleepless nights are scary. Living in emptiness is even worse. I have them all complete.

Adults told me to stop being a baby, stop thinking this way, it's time for me to look at things differently and stop staying in my comfort zone. yada yada yada. Believe me, I tried, tried and tried, and I came to a conclusion where I found myself unsuitable for this condition. Do you think I love to blame others? No. I hate it. It makes me feel useless, what's the point of whining and blaming others for things that you have chosen, no?

I feel like I'm good at nothing. Yet I am not ready for anything. I always do things halfway, it's a habit and I try to fix it. But, does life really has to go this way? I live once and do I want to live it this way?

I am sick of judgements. I don't blame people who judges, it is your rights to judge others. You will still be judged even though you did good deeds anyway.


Oh, lastly. I miss you. I don't know since when you bring comfort in me.
You who I don't think read this blog occasionally.