Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Help.

Dad, I am lost.

I am terribly lost. I want to run, but I don't know where to go.

Lord, help me.

I am falling faster than ever.

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

When will Carissa Clarence learn to be responsible ?

Hi there, everyone

Saw your responses on my past post. Thankyou for encouraging me, people. I do appreciate your advices and notes. :) *trying to put a smile on my face* I am sitting on the floor of my bedroom while typing this. Fed up by every single things happening in my college life. I think it's just because I'm too desperate that I don't even try harder to settle everything in a full speed.

Now, I don't want to be a cry baby, but when people are just underestimating you all the time... I just can't take it. I am filling my withdrawal form this afternoon, sitting next to my dining table at home while my mind was on my mom all the time. Oh, yes and the reminder 3 more weeks playing on my head.

However............ this is not going to roll only for another 3 weeks. It is..... another 4 months.

I was right, I can't take this.

Having a livin' la vida loca supervisor for my thesis also making all the things worse! How am I suppose to split my head into 2 things? It is a consultation, it is for me to ask questions, it is not like I don't care about this thing, my 10,000sgd is being invested here. HELLO??? At least give my some informative feedback, can't you?

I know, I know. Maybe I am the one to be blamed in the first place. It is my choice, it is my decision, it is me who put me in this position in the first place.

Fine.

I have time to post this anyway, am I dying?

Ulos Ulos and Ulos

I can't believe i am actually blogging right now. I realize these days that I might need to throw away things that I've been thinking of rather than talking to myself all the time. I sounds weird, dont i? I know. Skipped class this morning, am sitting here working my mind on my BELOVED weaving idea.

What's the interesting thing about Medanese? Anyone?
I am thinking of Ulos. The idea of weaving. Something like... weaving the community. It has a deep and strong purposes,isnt it? But what's the tangible product that I can offer? To earn profit, but in the same time... weaving the community.

Friday, October 18, 2013

Where is Carissa Clarence ?

I am so anxious lately. Can't sleep well, my head is messed by too many things unsettled. I don't know what to do, how to ease my mind, to keep calm and just do it. Things have been so common for me that I don't have any passion to fight for it anymore. Seems like I'm all fine if you want to call me a whiner, a loser, mommy's baby. I don't care.


I just.... gave up.



Part of me seems drifting. Away from me. or is it the real me? The one that's actually changing. Worse than who I was.

The truth is I really can't take it anymore. It seems like my head just stop thinking and I do things heartlessly. Is there even a word for that ? I do things without counting the risks and the negative impacts that it could bring for me or my family, my mom especially. I really want to stop. Stop.

Living in restless and sleepless nights are scary. Living in emptiness is even worse. I have them all complete.

Adults told me to stop being a baby, stop thinking this way, it's time for me to look at things differently and stop staying in my comfort zone. yada yada yada. Believe me, I tried, tried and tried, and I came to a conclusion where I found myself unsuitable for this condition. Do you think I love to blame others? No. I hate it. It makes me feel useless, what's the point of whining and blaming others for things that you have chosen, no?

I feel like I'm good at nothing. Yet I am not ready for anything. I always do things halfway, it's a habit and I try to fix it. But, does life really has to go this way? I live once and do I want to live it this way?

I am sick of judgements. I don't blame people who judges, it is your rights to judge others. You will still be judged even though you did good deeds anyway.


Oh, lastly. I miss you. I don't know since when you bring comfort in me.
You who I don't think read this blog occasionally.

Friday, July 26, 2013

Delapan Puluh Empat Tidak Pula Cukup

Disudutkan dalam suatu keadaan dimana permintaan, renungan dan kerinduan sepertinya bertemu. Melepas keinginan yang lama diselimuti kemalasan, perempuan bodoh penunda-nunda pekerjaan ini akhirnya menyempatkan diri untuk merenungkan

'apa memang perlu menghabiskan beberapa jam terakhir disini untuk kembali menulis?'

'terlalu banyak berkelibat, terlalu banyak yang flat, bahkan tidak sedikit yang terlalu rumit untuk diceritakan. aku bahkan lupa bagamana cara yang benar untuk bercerita lewat rangkaian kata. Lantas, dari mana aku harus memulai dongeng membosankan itu?'

'lagipula sudah banyak yang numpang lewat, ibaratnya.  just for the sake of reading, they don't understand a word from what I was trying to say. Apa benar aku harus kembali menulis?'

'....aku rindu bahasa Indonesia sih.'  (LOL a very silly statement, but really, to be honest, I love every Indonesian words. They create lots of other meanings mysteriously)

Mungkin aku memang harus mengemas sesuatu yang bersifat serial dan anonim.

Just to trigger back our curiosity. We have been boring human for awhile, haven't we?

Friday, May 31, 2013

Holla!

Hometown is forever awesome!


Abundant love. Abundant laugh. Abundant Fats. 
and I enjoy them.

 
Kiss x Hugs!


Why are there not much posts recently? Frankly I check on my blog everytime I open my laptop or PC, but don't know what to post on. Lots of things has happened, and ofcourse tons of photos too. I just came back from my Bandung Jakarta trip with the girls. My blog will be loaded with foods if I do post them here. hihihi.

Nothing much happen to my personal life, met no one new currently, so..... nothing much to write about anyway. ;)

Saturday, April 27, 2013

another sad-turday

Hi, all..
Enjoying weekend? It's a gloomy one this week around, I totally love the weather! ^^ It's bright but not shining, it's gray and white yet not blue. Makes me want to do everything. I gained 2kg because of it too. :(: Should I be happy or sad about that? Dunno how to weight it down back in this holidays. hahaha. eat and eat and eat, even exercising doesn't help I guess.

I miss home. Now that I barely do anything except wandering around clueless and eat and eat and eat, I have nothing to do. sigh. I'm not complaining about this though, just wondering what should I do. Planned to go out to buy every orders from my fam today, pack things tomorrow. Next week will be quite occupied I suppose. hmm. Still, I have 2 weeks to go and there are no interesting dramas to watch. -__________- ugh. I don't have any urge to shop, so the idea of shopping to free my boredom is quite a big failure.

Any suggestion what am I suppose to do? Bake? Want to, but who will it the goods after baked????


 

Saturday, April 20, 2013

:')

I've said this once to my broken-hearted friend before....





A 'thankyou' is not just a 'thankyou'. It means whole lot of other unspeakable things.

Here's a video for y'all, readers of this blog. Say Thankyou to the ones you love, there are so many things we forgot along the way, sometimes it makes us forget how important a person for us could be.


Have you watched Flower Boy Next Door? A korean chiqlit drama, the girl in this MV starred at that drama too. Her character in that film is way too...... indescribably weird. lol. Should watch!

That Little Sweet Things I Would Love To Try

I know I'm so late, just found this MV. But what could I say, I'm in love with the video concept! *huhuhuhuhu* Watch it,girls. It's a girl thing. I don't know.


Plus! It's titled BRUNCH!!!!!!!!!! *michi-go~*





I'll play this tomorrow morning to start my day *inloveinloveinlove*

Friday, April 19, 2013

Woke Up To The After-Shower

Good morning, people.

Today is supposed to be my last day of school if I pass all of my submissions. Pray for me,pals! I'll get to know my results this afternoon. I do hope for high scores, however 'pass' is the most important now. Hahaha.

Woke up to a smell of after-rain, not too cold yet not warm. Lovely weather to start the pre-weekend.
I think I might spend some time to revamp my blog, what do you think? How should I make it more appealing to you? I doubt anyone is still reading this anyway. :p

You guys, update your writings again. I'm bored, need to start browse and read and write again!


Have a lovely day ahead y'all *winkwink


Sunday, April 14, 2013

Morning everyone, how's your week?
Happy Sunday!
Church, anyone? hehehhee.
I just got off from gym, ate alot yesterday, and this morning also. Had a big bowl of banana oat porridge and a cup of milk coffee. Decided to get my ass to run then. woosh. It rained heavily this morning after a full day of serious heat yesterday, this morning the weather is SO SO SO SO awesome for snuggling, that's why I decided to have a warm meal early in the morning, despite that I'm still sleepy after the whole midnight snacks I had last night. *plural. snackS* chocolates, chips, yoghurt yadayadayada. f me.

So, have y'all watched Gentleman? I personally like the beat compared to Gangnam Style, but personally as a K-Pop enthusiast, I'm not sold for its BEG's choreo... maybe it works internationally I guess. Let's face it optimistically then, can you imagine Jo Kwon does that moves once again? it's her wifey featured in Psy's video anyway! woohoo! Long live Adam Couple!!!!! B)


I think YG should really consider to collaborate with Kwonnie.... kekekekeke


Saturday, April 13, 2013

Another Day Another Grey

Hi, the house is full once more time. Aunt and Grannie is here. :)





Yup, it's 1970s not 1D's everybodeh~

Friday, April 12, 2013

YOU!

Good morning, everyone.

How have you been?
Woah, I think I really only start blogging during my time finishing school. It's not like I don't have time to do this during college time though, it's just unmotivated me everytime I think of start nagging about my dreadful life in my blog.

Anyway, looking at my blog rate, I am left with a fewer reader I suppose? haha.

Hmm, just a-no-goal-post today. Oh,yea. I really" want to bake something this holiday!!!!!!!!!!
Planning to use my wheat flour at home to bake scones, hope it will be accomplished. *finger crossed



Just to start your day ;)

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Get off me

Hi, everyone.

The weather is not doing any good for me, it's gloomy, no rain. yet. and i just.... feel like going to search for job, don't want to attend class this afternoon. ugh, I know, I need to it's group project. Last one for this semester, due next week with another 2000 words report which I haven't start at all. 0% progression of the research. Okay, since when I started to brag about school stuffs in my blog? hahaha. I hate reading about others' school life in their blog, boring. Don't you think so? But I guess.... it's just the closest thing that I can talk about. Anyway, I managed to pull off last 2 weeks, which was the toughest. Congrats me, I know I will. again. and finally 4 months slack will come! Can't wait. Seriously!

Anyway, anyone know where to go on June-July which snowing? :/ I want to go to a cold place, I know Aussie does but.... umm, not really plan to go there. Oh, I do planned to continue there as my second choice if I change my mind and stop continuing Lasalle though. Just to let y'all know. I have never bluff, everything I told you are my considerations. So, I guess just wish me luck? I want a degree anyway, some say moving to Raffles will be a good choice too. However, I don't get the point, you see, moving to Raffles, still in the same major, same city, higher cost. Duh? 

I'm planning to attend this baking class next Saturday, wish there's still a spot that I can go with. hmm. only 8 spots available last time I checked. have been a year since my last baking. 

Why am I so lazy? I should start saving, you see, maybe one step at a time, with my income I might help my mom pay some rent. Rather than staying here, keep on listening to some nags about how expensive are this and that which actually make some point for me to get my feet out of this house. I get it, you see. I hate to keep on bothering you too. Sorry for doing so, I know you are nice, stop telling others how nice you are, I know you are trying to make me feel guilty.

***

People often tell me these days, I have been a utter talkative person after this couple of years. I guess, I do. I don't know why, but I can't stop when I start sharing things to others. Is it because I live alone? Talking to myself everyday. I beg my pardon if you follow me on twitter, you might hate me for whatever reasons. I will hate myself too if I'm my own follower. hahahahaha. I won't blame you if you hate me on that social network.

Oh, I just end my call with my mom, asking her opinion about whether I should go back home this summer holiday. Just got an internship offer this May-July in Audi Fashion & Blueprint under Zardoze's brand managing, I don't know whether I should take it or not, since I've booked and paid all the tickets for my short vacation with my colleagues. What's your opinion? I've been missing home too. . . . . this is what a dilemma is about. Home? Job? Home? Job?

Haaa.... what am I doing? Typing on my blog, I have a consultation at 12 and I did nothing for my consultation. I show 0% progress, feel like stabbing myself for not doing anything good for consultation! 

Laziness, go away. Get your ass off my life. I don't need you. I beg!


Let me share with you this youtube channel, I love them, hope it inspires you to cook:



Eat something wholesome, warm and healthy. Don't just grab and go. 

Hope all of you and me have a nice day ahead!

Saturday, March 30, 2013

Good Friday

Now that my mind is actually fucked. hard. I spend my time typing here rather than doing my work. I really hope it can finishes on time. I feel like crying without tears right now. I don't know how this will end anyway. Only by saying 'Que Sera Sera' can't even describe how anxious I am right now.

I don't know, I am terribly sad.

Today is a Good Friday, I am supposed to be happy, having my sisters and mom come and visit me. i should feel more than grateful, shouldn't I? Maybe I'm just a terrible person, a very pity one. I feel so sad right now. Nothing really works as what has been planned. A very tough challenge from You. I really wanna give up this time, Dad. Badly. I know I'm not supposed to disappoint anyone, yet I disappoint everyone I think. :(

I don't know. Maybe I whine too much recently, that I think even sharing to people about my burden has also been classified as whines. So I stop sharing, I stop telling others about it. Seems like nobody could be trusted anymore. I don't know, this kind of things inside are just barely there out from my lips to be told to mom, siblings, or close relatives. I once think maybe I could share it with my friends, but in fact, not all of them are willing to listen to it. Maybe it's another type of burden for them therefore I stop. I stop telling you how my days have passed. I got out from the circle.

Maybe it's because I'm too lazy to pray, not hard enough, it doesn't reach our home, Dad. Is it so?

It is not because of school, works, and things. You and I know no matter how important those things are, sometimes it's just not that physical things which make you feel burdened. Sometimes I feel like I'm Alice in Wonderland, chasing the rabbit called 'Happy'. I keep on chasing, and the story has not came to the end.

This is hard. more than the usual one. I start losing my appetite, sometimes I stop eating, even drinking. For 20 years I've never understand how people can do a 30 days fasting, now I know it is possible. I stop doing things in sudden, having a very unproductive breaks. I lost weight again, when I'm not supposed to lose them. I worry about myself, I think I'm having some mental problem really. And health issue ofcourse.

Family came this afternoon, saw me. and i looked scary to them. 'The Warm Bodies' they said. Yeah, maybe, red eyes, swollen, bones everywhere, messy hair. My typical day this year. Sometimes I am disgusted by myself too, just to be honest.



when you read this last line of this post, either you find this as a serious problem or just another joke from me. it's up to you. but this time, I really think sleeping pills sounds perfect for me.

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

A bit of this and that

Have you ever met this one person when....

dia ngga ngapa-ngapain sih, did nothing to you, like totally nothing, tapi tetep bikin kamu senyum?
dia ngga flirt, ngga juga ketemu kamu tiap hari, bahkan ga tiap minggu ataupun tiap bulan, dia tetap bikin kamu senyum?
dia ngga pernah ngasih kamu apa pun, totally none, tapi tetep bikin kamu satisfied, again. senyum?
dia mungkin ngga pernah menganggap kamu apa pun, maybe.... just another person in his/her life, still, kamu simply goes along with it? Smile.

Strangely, I met one.

Dia bukan seseorang yang selalu ada dimanapun atau kapanpun atau bagaimanapun di saat gue jenuh or whatsoever, dia bukan juga orang yang gue cari kalo gue perlu tempat buat curhat di siang bolong atau semalam suntuk, dia juga bukan orang yang sering ngobrol sama gue di waktu senggang, we practically never really talk if we were only both of us, 88% of the time we talk with people around, or I'll start to nag. Dia bukan seseorang yang selalu ada di dalam benak lu 24 hours (ofcourse, I spent 8 hours of them sleeping, another 6 for homeworks, 4 for maybe what to cook and eat. How can it be 24 hours? I know -,-) tapi interestingly lu bakal tetap tertarik sama orang itu juga just the moment you saw that person. just as simple as that. I don't know.

Simply, you get rid of that person, and it goes around comes around again and again.

Kadang gue mikir, aneh, it's weird, isn't it? No matter how I think of it, it's just strange enough to be called insane. Even my friends who I asked, said it's ridiculous. Or something must have hit me or God knows what.


Have you ever been through the time when....

kamu ga selalu ketemu orang tersebut, jarang denger kabar tentang orang itu, bahkan you don't really have a clue on how that person's living his/her own life, because orang itu juga ga bener-bener practically close to you anymore. Tapi... (maaf kalau cheesy), tetep aja rasanya kalo ketemu orang tersebut, you felt you are dragged into him/her. Anytime. Yup, setelah setahun 2 tahun pun mungkin, even when you both have no topic to begin with because you have no longer talk to each other for whatever reason.

The very best part is when you'll simply be happy seeing that person laugh or smile. It just...partly (not wholly,  I'm being honest right here) makes you happy in that moment. Sesimple itu.

Have you ever felt that? If you had, share it with me, will you?

__

Uhm, lately, I don't know since when to be sure... I have been having this uncomfortable feeling everywhere. to this particular person. I hope it's not jealousy. I hope. really, finger crossed I'm not. I have chatted about this to one of my friends, and frankly she understood me, well, maybe I'm not supposed to talk about it here anyway. and i have been trying to listen to the second opinion about this from another person, but he never had time for me. So, I just simply let it be like it. Mungkin bukan waktu dan orang yang tepat? Hmm, well. He's been busy anyway.

You know, it's just sometimes you may feel really uncomfortable like.... ewwwwww, you want to get rid of that feeling and just go blind for seconds, go clueless and act moron to particular individuals.


And oh, lastly, just a lil update about my life right now.
Yes, I'm still stucked in the same college, not going well, thinking of moving out after April, and I'm still freaking single can't find somebody cute anymore out there! and oh yes still nailed my eye to the same bloody dumb person. Yes, I'm stupid.

Monday, January 21, 2013

Happy Monday

Pagi-pagi disuguhin video begini. hahahaha. Happy Monday y'all :)

It's somebody's group project. Can't stop giggling. Silly as always.

Last Chance  :)