What am I? Nasty?

Hi,B.....
Well,sorry for not posting for quite a while since i'm @jakarta...
So now i've got time to post something that maybe hv bug me for quite long time. I'll start this from my story this morning...=]
i opened and shutted my eyes for couple of times, and when i opened my eyes for the third time, i found out my bb's light is beeping.red...it's from a person who greets me almost every morning,but today's quite different since we made a deal last night for who wake up and 'ping' first will win,awwwww,that time i thought i've lost,but he didnt ping me,just greet,so,i guess i'm the one who win,right,kepot? Hhhhhh.regarding to this person who's a total flat person,i may say i'm quite puzzled.idk why,everytime he tries to bring back my mood,he fails. =( idk why can't he just be the one who knows me well like WELL... Why must ones who treat me best be those who hurt the most too? Can't i just have a person who will just stay there to accompany me? Just one friend like that,it's enough.
My first night @jakarta wasn't a good night, i spent my night crying with no sound just tears,for there are two other people that share the room with me.idk why i lost my mood suddenly,what i want for that is go home.i want home. Think about that time again,maybe what dragged my mood was the reality,that thing that i know but deny too. I think my choice to come here is wrong.totally wrong.We don't have to meet from the beggining.just end everything like this.it's better like this,isn't it? I'm avoiding hope and tons of strange things that i guess will happen to me again,things that i don't want.but i'm to scared to hurt your feeling that i decided to make my heart and self stronger. Somehow i think all my efforts stay as a big zero,i'm truly devastated.. The strangest one is that i dont really know what i feel,is it because this is what i dont want or what? I prefer not to give it a try because i know i'll end destroyed. I cant help feeling that anymore.really.
So,i'm breathing,locks my heart for i cant help when there is one who successfully shake it all over again.i try to live my life nicer,with not too much hope in me.


Maybe all thsse stuffs come from me,from my selfish self. Maybe i dontwant to share ones who r too precious for me? Idk. Am i this nasty? Being a fool selfish person.
Ireally dont know.